Baby Fever

I don't know if it's the weather, water, air, age, or just because everyone around me seems to behaving them, but this is just not acceptable! How can you NOT catch it when it's being thrown in your face at every turn? Lately, it seems even the grocery store is mocking me with their little onesies, cute outfits, diapers, and cute little giraffe wash cloths! It's getting pretty ridiculous.

Even everyone I seem to know is getting engaged or getting married while I see none of that in my near future, if ever. Each year it gets a little bit more depressing, as I get a little older, and reducing my chances of being a young mom.

You might say I'm a little jealous every time I meet another one. A mom, or a baby. Even online it seems that everyone is pregnant, or trying, or getting married, etc. (I came across this blog today, and it may have pushed me over the edge a little.) The longer I wait, the more I come to the realization that it may never happen for me. Just thinking about it kind of makes me want to cry. Everyone seems to be celebrating their joining of families or their new addition, while I'm trying not to be bitter about it.

I was really hoping to have been married, and had a child by now (maybe even two), but that obviously hasn't happened, and who knows if it ever will. The last thing I want is to have problems when it does come time for me. All the infertility that costs a fortune and put you in debt for the rest of your life, and adoption that takes forever? Who can afford that? Who wants to wait 10 years? Not me.

Here are two of the newest additions...

Baby Abbie born about a month ago to my cousin Mark and his wife Monica. She's absolutely perfect and beautiful.

Calina Jean Birdwell (I just LOVE her name) is as stylish as ever, born in May to Katie and Jon Birdwell, two good friends of ours. She is so precious.

Lowell and I have been together for over 5 years now, with no end in sight, yet have no plans to take the leap (well, I do and mention it every once in awhile) towards the future. Who knows if it ever will. He claims that we need to get out of debt first, but that will never happen soon, if ever. We'll be in our forties before that happens, and I certainly don't plan on waiting THAT long, that's for damn sure. He says we need money, money, money, before any of that can happen, but who does these days? Who doesn't have debt? To me, it's an excuse. And I take that is I'm not good enough for him (in my f*ked up mind). Like he's waiting for something better to come along.

I know I'm just being emotional, and that all of this is in my head, but who can't help and feel this way? I feel like I'm on my way to being a prune, while everyone else is enjoying their families, friends, and being happy. Maybe I'm being selfish, and should be grateful that I do at least have a great relationship (at times) and others my age don't even have that.

I need to keep telling myself that time is NOT running out, even though my body keeps telling me that it is. Each month I seem to be getting more and more depressed each time my body sheds what could have been...

UPDATE: I just spoke with my mom and two of my cousins are pregnant too! My cousin Natalie is having a boy and due in December, and her sister Angela is due in March. Congrats to both of them!